CollegeFootballNews - Season Preview of UMAA Is Hilarious

CollegeFootballNews - Season Preview of UMAA Is Hilarious

Football

CollegeFootballNews - Season Preview of UMAA Is Hilarious

CFN.com offers its season preview for UMAA and there is a whole lot to unpack.  And laugh at.

Contact @crowleysullivan

Let’s start with the “headline” that establishes the premise for CollegeFootballNews.com’s 2018 season preview of the UMAA football team –

“Eventually, This Is Going To Happen.”

Who says?

According to what?

If I were to write a speculative piece on the ways in which Kodak (known many years ago as Eastman Kodak) was going to recover from its business slumber that it’s been in for longer than anyone realizes and said the reason why Kodak was going to, indeed, come out of its slumber was because “Eventually, this is going to happen,” I’d deserve to be laughed at by lots and lots and lots of people.

Let’s give our good friends at CollegeFootballNews – who we like and respect and know to be the best providers of all things related to College Football across the entire media landscape (said without satirical tone and with nothing but true respect) – some credit for noting that UMAA has a grand total of one half of a national championship since 1948 and that Bo Schembechler won zero national titles.

But, we’re also going to point out some areas that are perfect, tangible examples of why Spartans guffaw at the ways in which UMAA is, for some reason, seen as a monster ready to explode with Jim Harbaugh at the helm.

Here are a few elements of the preview that warrant analysis:

Item #1:

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, there are all sorts of snarky ways to make it seem like the Harbaugh era is basically Brady Hoke Part 2 so far, but that’s obviously not the case.”

Obviously not the case?

How so?

Maybe it’s obviously not the case because Harbaugh wears a headset (at least when he’s not throwing it).

Maybe it’s obviously not the case because Harbaugh seems to understand that six trips to the Ponderosa buffet during one sitting is probably two or three trips too many.

Maybe it’s obviously not the case because Brady Hoke didn’t have the obnoxious personality of a disease-infested peacock.

With regard to the actual results of the Brady Hoke Era’s first three years, his records were:

26-13 overall and 15-9 in Big Ten play.

Jim Harbaugh’s records in his first three years are:

28-11 overall and 18-8 in Big Ten play.

Good point, CFN – obviously, Harbaugh’s first three years are drastically different from the Hoke Era’s first three years.

Item #2:

“At some point, Michigan really is going to beat Ohio State again. At some point, those breaks and those close games will all go the right way.”

Who says?

Ted Kaczynski?

And when we talk about “breaks” going the right way – good teams create their own good breaks and win close games.

Harbaugh’s UMAA has demonstrated an inability to win close games.

This isn’t debatable.

Item #3:

“Remember, last year’s Michigan team had to replace almost everyone, especially on defense, and spent the year trying to find something that worked at quarterback. Few wanted to hear it, but it was supposed to be a do-over year.”

I didn’t realize teams were able to simply say “That was supposed to be a do-over year.”

Okay – 2016 for Michigan State was supposed to be a do-over year.

There, that feels so much better and washes away everything that made 2016 such a disaster for the Spartans.

Item #4:

“On the other side, the young receivers and skill stars who needed to get their feet wet now should blow up, especially after getting free agent quarterback Shea Patterson from Ole Miss to sling it around. The running backs are great, the O line is fine – not special, but fine …

And, of course, the head coach is special, too.”

Why should the young receivers and skill stars blow up?

Because they’ve been doing lots of jumping jacks this Spring?

Of course, the head coach is special, too?

The head coach has led the team to a 3rd place finish in the Big Ten East, another 3rd place finish in the Big Ten East, and a 4th place finish in the Big Ten East.

At what point are we allowed to dare to suggest that the head coach isn’t special?

Item #5:

“– The offense needs a boost. The passing game was 110th in the nation, was one of the least efficient in college football, and the O as a whole averaged a mere 349 yards and 25 points per game. But now there’s hope to boost things up thanks to one big move.

Shea Patterson throws a lot of interceptions.

The former Ole Miss Rebel was given the go-ahead by the NCAA to play for the Wolverines this year because his old program was naughty, and now – if he takes the starting gig – he’s the passer who can crank up the ineffective air show. He threw nine picks last season before getting hurt seven games in, but he’ll wing it around the yard.

Brandon Peters wasn’t miserable when he got his shot last season as a true freshman, but his struggles in the bowl loss to South Carolina should make this easy for Patterson. If the new guy is great …”

Please point to the words that give a reader any actual reason to think that UMAA’s offense will be even reasonably better than the one that was miserable last season?

I keep on reading about how and why Shea Patterson is going to revive the passing game that was 110th in the nation last season.

If Shea Patterson even manages to get UMAA’s passing game to finish the season ranked, say, 75th in the nation, how in the world is THAT going to finally demonstrate that Harbaugh and UMAA are College Football Playoff contenders?

Item #6:

– The young receiving corps of last season should blow up.

Why?

Because they’ve been eating lots of pork chops and apple sauce since last season ended?

Item #7:

“Fixing the pass protection is Job One, leading to more third down conversions. The Wolverines were able to dominate the time of possession battle because of the defense, but all the offense had to do was move the ball a little better and all would’ve been fine.”

Right.

And all UMAA needed to do was score more points than the teams that beat them the five times they lost games and everything would have been totally cool.

Item #8:

“With an improved offense – at least that’s the hope – a little more scoring should take the pressure off the D after going 0-4 last season when giving up 24. But lock down, and all is fine, going 25-2 under Harbaugh when allowing under the mark.”

The first time I ever heard the phrase was when my sophomore baseball team coach, Hal Sevrenson, said it to our team during an intense team meeting:

“If you wish in one hand, and crap in the other, which one will fill up faster?”

Item #9:

“It’ll be fantastic what happens when the offense can actually move the chains a little bit.”

And I’ll give amazing dual speeches when I win the Academy Awards for Best Screenplay, Best Actor, and Best Director for my operatic bio on the life and times of George M. Cohan.
Item #10:
“The talent at the skills spots will rise up and rock, the blocking – while not phenomenal – won’t be so awful, and the offense won’t be nearly as painful as it’s been over the last few seasons.”
Based on what?
Take the exact same players that will wear UMAA uniforms this season – the ones who have been awful and miserable over the last few seasons – and put them into Wake Forest uniforms.
Would we be reading about how those players were going to rise up and rock this coming season?
Item #11:
“Think of it this way. Just a little more offensive consistency and production means a win over Michigan State – or, at least a few more points before the weather rose up in the 14-10 loss.”
Or, think of this way – Michigan State could have and probably should have won the game 28-3.
It’s been said before right here in the SpartansWire space – yes, we obsess over UMAA.
It’s simply a part of being a Spartan to think of the ways in which Michigan State measures up to UMAA on a daily basis, all year long.
The UMAAers love to mock Spartans for this dynamic.
And, Spartans love to mock UMAA for the way Michigan State’s obsession over UMAA has led to complete dominance over UMAA over the last decade.
The dominance is going to continue this season.
And Spartans everywhere will continue to enjoy reading season previews that focus on the many different reasons why UMAA is going to rock and be awesome and get it done and be incredible and win so many games and be right there and be totally awesome.
We’ll pardon UMAA’s arrogance if they’ll pardon our laughter….
Here’s the full UMAA season preview –

Preview 2018: Michigan Wolverines. Eventually, This Is Going To Happen

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