What is Vegas Saying?

What is Vegas Saying?

Crowley Sullivan

What is Vegas Saying?

Prior to laying down your wagers and filling out your brackets, sink your teeth into this breakdown of the odds on everything of import regarding the Tournament…

Contact @crowleysullivan

The wagerers are salivating as March Madness gets ready to tipoff.

Office poolers, amateur bracketologists, Calcutta participants, and traditional game-by-game speculators are all scouring the internet and vetting their rock-solid sources for information that will help them achieve glory and riches through the endless wagering options.

What is Vegas saying about this year’s Madness?

We break down the odds and where the oddsmakers stand on the most important issues facing all respectable gamers out there.

  • Vegas has 5/7 odds that at least ten head coaches will weep in their post game press conferences.  These weep sessions will be “about” the courage of the student athletes but, probably coincidentally, every weep session will occur after the weeper has lost his team’s game.

  • Vegas has 6/5 odds that Steve Fisher will complain about things even though he’s no longer coaching and that he’ll sound a lot like my 14-year old daughter when she complains about how reading William Shakespeare isn’t fun and isn’t fair.
  • Vegas has 11/8 odds that SEC fans will, all of a sudden, praise their conference for its basketball dominance and that they will bring their SEC flags and that they will chant “SEC! SEC! SEC!” when one of its teams goes on an 11-6 run midway through the first half of a First Round contest.
  • Vegas has it at even money that announcers, fans, housewives, mailmen, office Marketing Managers, and gym teachers all across America will mispronounce “Xavier” as they talk about how great of a chance “Ex-avier” has at winning the championship.  Memo to all people – the correct pronunciation is (and has been for a thousand years) “Zayv-yur.”  When you pronounce the school “Ex-avyer” you demonstrate that your IQ is about as respectable as the integrity of the Jesuits.

  • Vegas has it at even money that all Notre Damers are still whining about being snubbed.  If Notre Damers spent as much time taking a look at themselves in the mirror about, oh, let’s say the fact that their football coach is responsible for the death of a student videographer as they do whining and being sanctimonious about every single aspect of their community’s entire existence, maybe they’d understand why normal people see Notre Dame for exactly what it is.

  • Vegas has 13/8 odds that, as usual, everyone will fail to recognize and address the fact that Bob Huggins is actually one of the good guys.
  • Vegas has 19/12 odds that the Big Ten – in its worst season in decades – will have a truly great showing with all four of its Tournament participants making far deeper runs than any of the SEC flag wavers and other general experts are predicting.
  • Vegas has 2/1 odds that Grayson Allen trips someone, hip checks someone, trips another someone, dives into an opponent’s face when going for a sort-of loose ball, and tackles someone at various points of his team’s time spent in the Tournament.
  • Vegas has 5/7 odds that all Arizona fans are most excited about the fact that Wisconsin is not in this year’s Tournament – and this exuberance will cause this year’s Arizona team to lose far sooner than the Regional Final and Sean Miller will remain a “one of the best coaches in the nation” despite doing nothing to earn that label.

  • Vegas has 14/9 odds that Kelvin Sampson reinstates himself into the national discussion by leading his Cougars on a deep run.  And, we’ll all have to remind ourselves that nobody could ever have labeled Sampson as a lousy coach.  Poor interpreter of basic rules and regulations?  Yes.  Crummy coach?  No.
  • Vegas has 4/3 odds that Ole Roy Williams will seamlessly integrate praise for his student athletes within his passive aggressive whining about something after his defending national champions make an early exit due to their porous perimeter defense and their softer-than-one-of-Ole-Roy’s-cashmere-sweaters overall presence.
  • Vegas has 34/27 odds that Loyola (and, to all non-Chicagoans, it’s just Loyola – it’s not Loyola of Illinois or whatever the people are saying these days) will pay tribute to Gene Sullivan and Alfredrick Hughes by reaching the Sweet Sixteen.

  • Vegas has 6.8/4 odds that John Calipari will be insufferable to those of us who do not find him charming as his team elbows its way to the Final Four.
  • Vegas has 17/13 odds that no #1 seed will reach the Final Four.
  • Vegas has 5/7 odds that it will be obvious that Charles Barkley will have not have slept prior to appearing on the set of the Turner Broadcasting and CBS Sports studio coverage on at least three occasions during the Tournament.

  • Vegas has it at even money that a national petition will be started on behalf of the American people in which all will beg the broadcasting consortium to cease airing the Continental Tire commercial campaign featuring Dan Patrick because the commercials are painfully awful.

  • Vegas has 9/6 odds that Mark Few will lead Gonzaga, once again, to the Final Four without any of the hype and attention he’s been burdened with in so many previous Tournaments.
  • Vegas has it at even money that Jim Harbaugh is a colossal buffoon who has finished in third, third, and fourth place in his team’s division since he took over as the J. Ira & Nicki Harris Family Head Coach at UMAA.

  • Vegas has 5/3 odds that Purdue will return to the Final Four after a 38-year drought behind a vastly under appreciated and incredibly balanced team that features four players who average double figures in scoring and have a massive and athletic force in Isaac Haas.
  • Vegas has 3/2 odds that Tom Izzo’s Michigan State Spartans will earn a trip to Izzo’s eighth Final Four (and the university’s tenth) by advancing through the Midwest Region with relative ease behind the most talented roster and a hell of a good coach that knows what buttons to push this time of year.
  • Vegas has 24/22 odds that Tom Izzo and his Spartans will cut down the final net in San Antonio after bringing down the Zags – and that even though it’s been a tough time of late, Spartan Pride is alive and well – and it always will be…

Happy bracketing, folks.

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